KLPAC Gig Report

Sunday 20 August 2006, a little over 20 privileged people were enveloped in the genius and love of Panda Head Curry?

For those who didn't come.

Fuck you.

We hate you.

You will amount to nothing, lead wretched meaningless lives and die screaming with your hair on fire.

Went to KLPAC with the family at 2pm for sound check. No one else had arrived to soundcheck, no Sherry or Peter Hassan. That says volumes about other performers dedication to quality. Panda Head Curry? take the Six Sigma methodology to an unprecedented Six Hundred and Sixty Six Sigma Extreme Quality Assurance.

Hell yeah, that's what separates us from the chaff.

I did the sound check on my own (it proved to be a waste of time since I decided later on not to use amplification - more later). I gave him a wake up call at 2pm in the afternoon. The little bastard was still asleep.

Two fucking PM and he's drooling into his Smurf pillow.

Note: He came over the night before to practice, when he left, we lost at least RM 50 from our petty cash and a new batch of Tesco potato buns mysteriously vanished.

Grab some Jap food for lunch by the Koi pond and chilled till the gig started. After lunch, met up with CK, Hakim and a buddy of his. Went up to Indicine around 3:30, Peter Hassan and Markiza had just finished sound checking.

Azmyl "there's animals livin' in my hair" Yunor, kicked off the open mic session on his cheap Samick guitar. He so badly wants to be Panda Head Curry? material but sadly doesn't cut the mustard. Maybe if he gets a talent transplant. Ha ha! God, I'm witty.

Azmyl was followed by two Ian's. Both did indie folkish tunes on acoustic guitars. Ian 1, who works in KLPAC did a brilliant set. Since he works at KLPAC, we expect him to invite us over again. Ian 2, gave free CD's. We got 3, one for each family member. Now, that's quality. Not like Azmyl Yunor, who's a stingy bastard.

Hassan and Markiza kicked off the set. Markiza's keyboards appeared to be possesed by Satan. Three times during their set, Joe Hasham interrupted over the PA, asking people to close the door, drop their pants and bend over a prime Aussie sausage injection (at least that's how I heard it). They did some bitchin' tunes, I had the chorus from "Mercy" etched in my head when they came down. Of course, like Azmyl Yunor, they too wished they could join the Panda Head Curry? crew. Unfortunately, like the Sith, there may only be 2 members at any point in time.

There was a cool screening of F-Code's graffitti work after that. Excellent shit, beautiful artwork. Some people here don't realize it but Panda Head Curry? invented graffiti. Yes, indeedy.

Sherry took the stage with an excellent set, bitchin' blues shit, culminating in my favorite tune "Babi". Some people don't realize it but Panda Head Curry? invented pigs.

This was followed by Hakim's left wing activista documentary "Romantiknya ISA", in which he "borrowed" a Nick Cave tune for the sound track. Panda Head Curry? is currently in touch with Mr. Cave informing him of this copyright breach. We're hoping that we'll get in exchange Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds concert tickets for turning Hakim in.

General Panda, our adoring fan Sonia (who like others, wishes she could be in Panda Head Curry? but lacks the approriate skill set and psychic powers) and I went down to grab some beer before our set. A little alcohol goes a long way on stage, I always say. We sat outside watching a bunch of kids make a feeble attempt at art.

You may not realize it, but Panda Head Curry? invented art.

Before our performance, I made a management decision to scrap the stage and amplification. I got the audience to form a circle around us and we performed, completely unplugged, bathing the audience in our pure munifence and brilliance. We could see that the audience was visibly moved to tears by this experience. We played our staples for over an hour. KFC popcorn chicken was dished out during Gator Farm. All the chicken was finished when we came down.

After an set that can only be described as pure artistic genius, we came down. As usual, the adoring audience threw themselves at our feet. Offers of sex, drugs, money and rare Pokemon cards were politely turned down. Panda Head Curry? does what we do, not for material gain, but for the deep spiritual impact we have on mankind.

Please note: This was Panda Head Curry?'s LAST performance. That's right, we've broken up. However, we'd be pleased to perform at a reunion gig if anyone would invite us.

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Troubadours-Open Doors@KLPAC 20 August 2006

That's right, kids! Come on over to Panda Head Curry?'s final show at KLPAC!

Woo hey!



For public record, Panda Head Curry?'s submitted the following rider to the Troubadours as part of our compensation package (Note 1).

BTW, I've been busy, choreographing the set, getting the final song arrangements down, designing our stage lighting AND finishing up my design for a faster than light drive (so we can travel the stars, colonize alien worlds and use their native lifeforms for food, entertainment and product testing).

The other half of Panda Head Curry?, "General Panda" - as he's taken to calling himself, has been spending the time trying to figure out how to fit square, round and triangular pegs into their respective holes while drooling and listening to Green Day. In addition to that, I found at least 50 brand new My Little Pony girls panties in his guitar case.

Anyways, as you can see from the totally cool flyer above, Panda Head Curry? shall be joined by fellow musicians Sherry and Peter Hassan Brown and independent film maker Hakim.

I've seen Sherry playing once at No Black Tie, but I was busy with a groupie so I couldn't remember his stuff. I understand he does blues. People say he's an incredible blues performer but I can't imagine him surpassing the stellar genius of Panda Head Curry? (BB King's acknowledged that if he'd seen Panda Head Curry?'s in his early years, he'd quit being a musician and start a career as a short order burger cook). But, it's OK. That's one of the reasons we're here, to provide a benchmark for our fellow artists and humans.

Peter Hassan Brown is a Pom. That's right, a true blue Bangsa Asing. And I thought you had to hold a Malaysian passport to perform at this gig. We're reporting him to Freddy Fernandez. He's made billions of ringgit from his performances, CDs, DVDs, and inflatable dolls that should have gone to Malaysian passport holders.

Hassan Brown's quirky folk/pop/rock meanderings as a solo performer (he's been performing since the '60's and is solely responsible for inventing LSD and organizing Woodstock ) and with super groups Passion and Soft Touch ( both colloborations with the Diva and Siren, Markiza) have earned him a king's ransom, our sources put his net worth at around USD 5.2 billion (equivalent to the current contents of Panda Head Curry?'s petty cash box).

Hakim's an indie film maker. That means he shoots shit on video, rather than film, and uses flashlights for set lighting. He's done this flick about the Malaysian Internal Security Act (ISA), an act that allows detention without trial, a legacy from pre and the early days of independence. In the spirit of USA, Gabba Hey!, the Yanks came up with the analogous Patriot Act.

I personally think he'll make a shit load more money shooting porn instead. Then he can buy a Ferrari and a house on Kenny Hills. Panda Head Curry? even offered to be talent and score the flick. But, no. He's got ethics and morals. Panda Head Curry?'s sold out, he says. We've cheapened our art by having a best selling music video, "Panda Head Curry - Live at Mimaland", which made over RM 50.1 billion (which we in turn donated to wretched homeless orphans with scabies).


OK, so do yourself a frikkin' favor and come to the gig. Bring your family, loved ones.

Free leather pants with gerbil ports for the first five ticket holders.


Note 1

Panda Head Curry? Show Rider

a) The prefix "the Tumescent" shall be used when referring to any Panda Head Curry? personel. E.g., Would you like a lapdance, The Tumescent General Panda?

b) After the show, we want a Black Hawk chopper, fitted with beer, lingerie models, bitchin' sound system with selections from Tom Waits, Joy Division (for me) and Green Day (for General Panda), missiles & approriate guidence systems and a pilot ready to take us to a place of our choosing.

c) Panda Head Curry? personel shall be free to do what we like to the carp in the pond next to the Japanese restaurant with no legal or other reprecussions.

d) 666 howler monkeys, shaved with the exception of a strip of fur down their backs dyed neon green shall be released into KLPAC 5 minutes after we begin our performance.

e) Panda Head Curry? personel shall each be served a mug hot Milo 'o kosong (250 ml each). The temperature of the said Milo shall be 60.5°C

f) We want our own reality show, "Who wants to ride Panda"?

g) Panda Head Curry? want to be featured in the *RECENT* Troubadors 2 CD compilation that you're selling. That means you will have to recall all the CD's, include our song (35 minute version of Gator Farm), remaster, print a new set then redistribute. If that pussy Azmyl Yunor can get on it, we're baffled and insulted that the genius of Panda Head Curry? was not included. Does Azmyl feed the audience KFC popcorn chicken during his sets? I think not, he's a stingy bastard! We want his work pulled out of the new master CD which we want RETITLED, Panda Head Curry? and Friends.

h) Panda Head Curry? was not invited to the KL Sing Song, despite being proclaimed miming, lyrical and performance genuises by world class institutions. We demand that the KL Sing Song be rerun and we be invited to deliver at least 2 plenary lectures followed by a 12 hour performance, including our world famous Dolphin Performance.

i) We want a guy in a beaver suit to do the sound during our set and act as our guitar tech.

j) All US GPS satellites shall be moved into orbital positions so they shall spell out the word "PANDA OK!".

k) We want Malaysia to retake Singapore but cede Kelantan to Thailand.


Failure to comply with the demands shall be result in an extreme reaction from us.

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Troubadours Open Doors 20 Aug 2006 and "General Panda"

Troubadours-Open Doors gig

I've been busy getting shit lined up for our 20 Aug gig at KLPac. Since it's our last performance, we're going to lengths to make this totally extravagant. Expense is not an issue. Fear is not a Factor. If you miss this, you'll want to kill yourself and your loved ones. You will be so dissapointed, you will lose the will to live.

We know y'all come to a Troubadours show to watch sensitive men and women write earnest, heartfelt, songs that manage to break down all barriers and establish a connection with all the wanting souls in the audience.

Hence, we're planning (but haven't yet decided) on adding the following elements in our set:

a) Paid sex.

b) Fried Chicken.

c) Puteri Islam Se Malaysia (PIS)

d) Lasers

"General Panda"

I'm glad this will be our last act together. That other half of Panda Head Curry? who calls himself "General Panda" is lapsing into more and more psychotic behaviour.

More of my property has gone missing. I lost my Joy Division Substance (compilation) CD a few months ago. I'm riding with General Panda, he pops in a CD, and what do you think is on? That's right Joy Fucking Division. I grab the jewel case and ask him where he got it from. He said he purchased it from Auntie's shop in Campbel complex. I opened the case and MY FUCKING NAME and DATE I PURCHASED THE CD is WRITTEN on the fucking in sleeve.

The little fucker told me HE wrote that shit in and refused to speak the entire journey.

I can't wait to complete this KLPac gig and say "adios pandejo" to that little fucker.

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The Problem Is You

As you may all know from reading our blog, R has been slandering my good name with his incessant accusations of me being a kleptomanic.

My answer to this is.... so what?

I like to take shit. The world is mine. Tomorrow I shall take all your computers and the guitars that you don't actually play but like to keep around your house so you can show them to guests and tell them that they were given to you by some great artistes such as myself. What are you gonna do about it?

I own everything. My name is on everything including your shit and piss. No need to say one. Just take.

You know, I think the real problem is R's extreme paranoia. I think this is caused by all the pollution that R has been exposed to through out his career in enviromental destruction. I notice this of lately while we were getting ready for one of our recent shows in the middle east.

There we were. Ten minutes before showtime. Before we head out to entertain the heads of the secular and fundimental muslim world.

Suddenly, R starts to break down crying. Mumbling something about some Dubai whore and he doesn't think we'll make it out alive from this show. Says "we've pushed the envelope to far this time".

"Fuck no!" I tell him. We've merely scraped the dirt of the whole shabang! And now you want to pussy out because you're afraid you'll be labeled as an outcast to your religion and brotherhood.

Needless to say, after a lot of gay ass comforting and back patting, R finally pulled himself together to perform.

It was a good show but I could have done better without him.

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Problems Pt 2

Went to watch General Panda (as the little bastard's taken to calling himself) recording this evening. Noticed he had a shiny new 012" gage string on his guitar. I know it's new because all his other strings were severely corroded.

Watched him all evening and noticed the picks he was using were very similar to the ones I kept losing.

Had a teh tarik after the practice. I noticed him slipping some white powder into my drink as I surreptitiously watched him when I walked away to order some food. He was whistling some stupid Green Day song and looking innocent when I came back. He was sipping his teh tarik and commenting how good it was that evening.

I took several small sips then downed the entire glass. I caught him grinning as he watched me.

He doesn't realize that since I was a child, I've been ingesting small amounts of common and some not so common poisons, venoms, nuclear radiation and infectious microbes. I have immunity over pretty much all deleterious material/energy forms on this planet.

I must do something about this.

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Response to Troubadour's Invitation

Dear Troubadours,

Thank you for your invitation.

I must say this comes as a surprise, we never thought you'd be able to afford our performance fees. I'm glad you've seen the error of your ways and decided to make amends.

You may get off your knees now.

Panda Head Curry? is indeed munificent. Extremely munificent.

We initially had a Middle East peace talks meeting scheduled for the morning of the 20th where we're proposing the "dimensional shift" solution. A method that will allow Isrealies and Palestinians to occupy the same physical space by phase shifting their their matter into 2 separate dimensions so they can walk through each other. We worked out the theory on the back of a San Francisco Coffee House napkin.

After that, we had a party set up with the 2006 winners of Adult Video New's "Nastiest Orgy Girls".

However, we figure, the Middle East can wait a few days and every day's an orgy for us. We'll play your gig in ~Sentul~. In the future, if you want to invite us for a gig, please select somewhere that is more deserving of Panda Head Curry?'s presence. E.g., PETRONAS MPO or a bitchin' health spa packed with hot sluts.

FYI, we've submitted a list of demands that must be met for us to perform at your gig. Please revert to us on this ASAP.

Yours sincerely,

Panda Head Curry?

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Greetings worms,

Everybody knows that I am the true creative force behind PHC. My extreme miming has been acknoledge as greatest thing since slice bread.

R's envy has been growing for too long for my original band Ben's Bitches, which is what made him recruit me for PHC. Only I possess the skill and virtuoso insanity to carry forward our stage performance to that of godlikeness. And as for 360 DHR, it is a known fact that their intellectual lyrics and technical musicianship has no place in mediocre Malaysia.

Only I should be worthy enough to be bestowed the glory that is panda.

Now that you know the truth, go forward and spread it, worms!

The Great GENERAL PANDA has spoken.

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Invitation Letter From Troubadours

I thought as a matter of public record, I'd share the email Troubadours sent to us, begging us to perform at KLPac, August 20, 2006.

Well, here's their email:


********
Header details removed
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Subject: Invitation to perform at KLPac gig 20 August 2006.

Dear Panda Head Curry?,

How are you? Hope is all well.

We would sincerely like to apologize for not including your 35 minute version of "Gator Farm (Live at Wet World, Shah Alam)" in our "Voices from Next Door" double CD gonzo compilation. Some of us really wanted to include it but Azmyl Yunor vehemently protested, calling you "Talentless C*nts". He's also responsible for getting you off the speaker/performer at KL Sing Song 2006. We didn't realize that he'd had a personal vendetta against you. This unfortunately, is part of his psychosis. He's been off his medication for the past 3 months because he says it blocks his creativity (which in our mind is seriously overrated). He believes Panda Head Curry? shall "suck his soul out of his nostrils" if you get too close to him.

Rest assured, we've brought him back to the medical facility and the doctors say he'll be right as rain after the lobotomy and shock treatment. We've implemented a system of checks and balances to ensure this shall never happen again. We promise on our, and our loved one's very lives.

We hope that you will be able to forgive us. For Panda Head Curry? is all Loving and Forgiving.

We have no doubt that Panda Head Curry?'s genius is the solution to all this planet's malaises. Panda Head Curry? embodies the evolution of man over the eons from, a puddle of frothing amino acids to the star child precursors you are today.

We would be completely honored if Panda Head Curry? could grace us with your munificent presence and perform at our Troubadours-Open Doors performance at KLPac on Sunday 20 August 2006. We realize you have an extremely schedule, meeting with world leaders, captains of industry and porn starlets on a day to day basis.

You can't see us, but we are prostrating in a patch of dirt outside KLPac as we write this, begging you to consider. We realize that KLPac doesn't meet the standards of performance facilities for Panda Head Curry?. We have also come up with the budget of RM 250,000.00 to pay your artist fees.

In addition to that, we've engaged Jenna Jameson and a TBI porn starlet (who takes it on the face) to be your Personal Assistants for one month, after which you can discard those porn 'hos once you've had your way with them. We had to sell the kidneys and corneas of all our new interns to come up with this budget.

We implore you (again, you can't see us but if you could, we'd be at your feet, kissing and patting them), please perform at our show. We hope you can find it in your munificent (we just learnt this word today, hence, we've been using it quite a lot) hearts to come.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Your humble servants,

Troubadours.

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Problems Pt 1

Lately, I've noticed some odd things happening. Things seem to go missing, particularly when General Panda's around.

Started several months ago.

a) We were at Asia Cafe for a late night snack. I paid for a drink, the waiter put the change on the table, about RM 7.50. I left the change on the table, figured, I'd use it to pay for some fried mushrooms that I'd ordered. Mushrooms came, and there was no money on the table. General Panda said that I must have put it back in my wallet but I hadn't. The mushrooms were coated with flour and were crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.

b) Some weeks ago, practicing for the Gigger's cafe gig with General Panda. I had some strings lying on the table, two 012's for my acoustic guitar. Went to the toilet and returned, there was only one 012 left. General Panda was the only one in the house with me. He said there was only 1 string there.

c) All the change I keep for parking and tolls have been dissapearing from my car the past month. Only General Panda's been in that car. I use another car when I drive my family around.

I confronted General Panda with this and he vehemently denied any wrong doing. I think he has a problem and he's in denial.

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Bow, Fuckers, Bow!

We made the above photo montage for what's going to be our Final Performance as Panda Head Curry at KLPac 20 August 2006.

After snubbing our genius by not including any of our brilliant works in their Voices Next Door Compilation and not getting invited to present papers or perform at KL Sing Song 2006, the Troubadours group have realized the error of their ways and literally BEGGED Panda Head Curry? to perform at their scheduled Troubadours-Open Doors gig on 20 August 2006.

We weighted the possibility for a long time. Panda Head Curry? are a busy organization, we regularly meet heads of state and leading porn starlets. We were last invited to perform at Wembeley (or how ever the hell you spell it), KLPac seemed rather...well Sentul.

However, after thinking long and hard, we decided to do the charitable thing and perform. And as mentioned, this shall be our last performance together. Been having problems with General Panda. He appears to have stopped taking his meds and is getting increasingly difficult to work with.

Details should follow shortly.

Thus, the all encompassing love and gargantuan munificence of Panda Head Curry?

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Big Giant Tits

I am looking for someone who can suck the canser outta my butthole.

Long live PHC.

Death to you.

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